The Season of Contentment

Contentment is something I’ve long longed for. Yes, I now get the irony of that. 

I recently changed states. Wisconsin to Oregon. Busy to slow. Extreme to moderate. There to here. Mine to ours. 

I told myself leading up to this transition that I was looking forward to a different lifestyle. One where I get to focus on parenting and be super present with my daughter. One where I have space to roam and time to explore and fewer obligations and commitments. What I didn’t realize is the internal struggles that accompany those changes. I had no idea that I wouldn’t be able to locate my own psychological whereabouts for such a long period of time. 

As someone who passionately strives, mercifully cares, and tirelessly dreams, this shift of pace came like an out of place red light driving down a long, empty open road. I don’t want to slow down. I don’t want to stop and look both ways. I want wind rushing past me and the horizon to shift by the hour. 

Needless to say, this hasn’t been easy. Yet it was my choice. Be careful what you wish for they say, you just might get it. In my case I wished and I got. And now what? Where am I? Who am I? What’s next? If these sound like midlife crisis questions, it’s because they are. I also turned  40 amidst this transition and despite what you or I believe about decade changes, my body is different and everything changes along with that. I don’t give a shit about the number. I don’t feel old. I don’t worry about how long I’ll live or whether I’m making the right decisions. I stand firm in my belief that I am a one-of-a-kind badass and I have conquered so much in this life to be proud of. But I’ve begun to question long and hard if I’m truly experiencing my life the way an embodied soul has the potential to. If my lenses are clear, if my ears are fully listening, if my heart has even begun to really open up. 

So I began looking back…

My, how I’ve grown. My beloved coach, Erica, reflects to me how much transformation I’ve experienced in just the last couple of years. My old journal entries reflect to me that I am now motivated by self acceptance instead of desperate approval of others to quantify my worth. My new relationships reflect to me the quality of my character and who I attract. 

But what I also found was how fucking hard I worked for things to become easy. (When will they be easy?) How difficult I made it to try and fit in. (Where do I fit in?) How incessantly I insisted that ‘if only’ I’ll one day get there. (What is the thing and where is the there?) The math wasn’t mathing and I didn’t know it at the time but this is what took me to a very dark breaking point. I spiraled downward - hard and fast. From the outside it may have looked like fatigue, lack of support, loneliness, or difficulty adjusting. But those are all symptoms. What was troubling me was that I have been thinking I’m lacking what’s been there the whole time. 

When life begins showing signs of needing to slow down it’s telling you that it’s time to begin seeing things as they really are. To a fast paced person, it’s either going to come to a screeching, seemingly violent halt or the whispers are so low and quiet that they’re easily ignored. I’m unaware of how long I’d been overlooking the whispers so, screeching halt it was. And the clarity doesn’t come just because the pace is slower.

I want my days to sparkle. I want to have a grand plan. I want to eat at restaurants, meet a handsome man, go on an adventure, inspire, and be inspired. But none of those things will ever contain the depth and sincerity I crave if I’m unclear of who I am without them. 

I don’t know if my cage was finally fully rattled or if some grace simply humbled me enough to realize the next chapter of my life-long assignment.

There’s nothing to fix. There’s nothing to gain. There’s nothing to reach out and grab. There’s nothing to seek, to strive for, to rush towards. 

Joy is found through right aim and an easy lean.

Let the list be short and the days be long. 

Let time move slow and minutes stretch to hours. 

Let thoughts be enjoyed. 

Let laughter come easily. 

Take off your armor and stay a while. 

Feather your nest and enjoy the fruits of your labor.